Well, my laptop is fixed, many thanks to a friends who attends the writing club with me and I’m glad that my laptop is back to normal. Today at the writing club was really great, I even got homework from John which I have completed, by homework, I mean editing a chapter from his novel. Also I will write the personal story I read out today which actually got a rather good reception which I wasn’t expecting. Disorder
It started after the divorce, the notions and the feelings telling me not to eat. I wanted to get away from it all but I realised it was too late, I had succumbed to the disorder but I always ate a good meal at tea time, it was the rest of the day that I didn’t.
At High School for our ten to fifteen minute I always ate a Mars bar because that’s all I wanted, something to comfort me in my struggles, something made of chocolate to satisfy the need for food and that was all I ate, it was the only the thing I wanted.
At times, I wanted a packet of crisps but I thought to myself what I had would be enough and then I ignored the hungry cries from my belly because it wasn’t full, they were just a noise and the voices get telling me I wasn’t hungry, so I believed them.
Of course, now and again, I blamed the bullies for the disorder because they certainly didn’t help but I quickly realised that it wasn’t them who forced me to eat so little, I only had myself to blame for that.
Sometimes, I ate lunch in the school dinner hall if I had enough on that stupid plastic card they gave us but I hated it because it filled of noise and judgemental stares and I never knew what I wanted as I stood in the queue beside my friends. I didn’t want to be in that place and one time, I accidently dropped my plate from the exhaustion of P.E. Now thinking back to that day, I can’t remember if I had got anything that day or if I ever re-joined that queue.
Most of the time, I ate at home just having a plate of chips or some crisps on a piece of bread with butter if I was hungry but I remember those days where I either went home and ate nothing or stayed at school and ate nothing.
I wasn’t anorexic but my friends were worried but I couldn’t explain why I had taken this course because the disorder was already consuming me inside and outside.
I was tired, down and I couldn’t concentrate because of the noise in my head, telling me that it will be OK tomorrow, that I will be hungrier later on, telling me that it will soon pass but it didn’t.
The trend didn’t fade, instead it began again when I was at college, I only ate a packet of crisps because it was enough and it was what I used to eating, at this time my new friends were also concerned. I remember taking a break during class and I was told something that I can’t remember now but I threw most of the crisps left in the packet away and I don’t remember having lunch that day either.
By my second year, I was eating a bit better but not by much, I gave my money away to help other’s buy their own lunch while I had to count what was left of the coins I had in my purse, I bought what I could afford and ate but I didn’t enjoy the food.
I probably should have took that as warning sign because I knew something was wrong but I kept to the habit anyway thinking once more that it would go away, it didn’t because one day at lunch time I went with some friends but I didn’t want to eat because something was on my mind and it wouldn’t go away.
Now, the disorder is gone, I enjoy food and I eat much more than I did back then and I feel a lot better now than I did but if something goes wrong, the disorder will return and the war will begin again but I know that I am stronger than submitting those voices and I know that I can win.
In other news; I just received word back from my tutor about my Learning Outcome 1 and 2 and I’ve passed. I don’t quite understand how but I’ve passed and now I’ve completed 50% of the overall course. I think I’ve seriously underestimated myself because this course is obviously of an advanced higher standard and with only one higher to my name, it’s comes a bit of shock really to myself that I’m succeeding so well at higher standard. On a cheerful note; my old blog has reached 2,470 page views and this blog has reached 10,029 page views (there has been a jump in traffic on both blogs).
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