Once,
There was,
A time,
I felt,
Joy,
Where,
I was happy,
About the fact,
I was going to become,
A mother,
I was excited,
To learn,
If you were,
A boy or a girl,
Now,
Everything has changed,
I’m floating,
Among pink clouds,
Numb,
Disconnected,
From the world around me,
I question,
Myself,
Everyday,
If I will,
Ever be able,
To bond with you,
Once you’ve arrived,
I can’t concentrate,
On the words,
Coming,
From the nurses,
In the hospital,
Letting me,
That you’re doing fine,
I forget,
Those words,
And ask you’re daddy,
What the said,
The moment after,
We’ve left,
I can’t sleep,
Not because,
I’m uncomfortable,
Because my mind,
Spins,
Around and around,
With questions,
That have no answers,
The pink clouds,
May seem calming,
But they are a torment,
To me,
It makes me irritable,
I snap,
When I don’t want to,
Because,
Baby,
I just want to love you,
I feel fatigued,
Because I’m not,
Getting enough sleep,
On the opposite side,
I want to eat,
You’re hungry,
Baby,
That I understand,
I’m eating for two,
Yet,
I dread,
What will come next,
Will I gain more weight?
Will you be alright,
With this obsessive eating?
Will you look,
Into my eyes,
The moment,
You’re born with love,
Or hate?
I have failed you,
Baby,
I want to be a good mum,
For you,
I’m trying to hard,
To be happy,
Baby,
For you,
But all I feel is sadness,
Every waking moment,
I’ve thought,
More than,
Once,
I can’t do this,
I don’t want to be here,
I don’t deserve,
To hold you,
To call you,
Baby,
Or by any name,
We decided,
I’m scared,
Baby,
I want your life,
To be better,
Than this,
I want you to smile,
And call me,
Mum,
One day,
I yearn,
To be free,
From these,
Soft pink clouds,
Baby,
I will try,
For you,
I will do anything
Heather's Blog 