Violet (Post-natal Depression)

You’ve arrived,

You’re here,

In my arms,

My little,

Baby,

After nine months,

And a gruelling labour,

You’re here,

I can start,

To become,

Mummy,

Despite,

My happiness,

My joy,

A violet,

Cloak surrounds me,

It’s just,

The baby blues,

I say,

It’s normal,

To be anxious,

With a newborn,

Everyone,

Has gone through it,

It will get better,

I say,

But it doesn’t,

Each day,

The violet,

Cloak,

Suffocates me,

With a persistent sadness,

I’ve no energy now,

I’ve no joy,

Like I’ve given it all to you,

When you entered this turbulent world,

I don’t sleep at night,

Due to my anxious thoughts,

I worry constantly,

I sometimes check on you,

While you sleep,

Just make sure,

That it’s not a dream,

You’re still here,

I feel sleepy during the day,

It’s normal,

They say,

It’s just a phase they say,

You’ll get sleep sometime,

They say,

It’s all a lie,

They don’t understand,

How it feels,

To withdraw,

From your friends,

Family,

And you’re newborn,

They don’t understand,

Why,

You find it difficult,

To bond with your baby,

I curse myself each day,

When I’ve done something wrong,

I should be doing better,

The violet cloak,

Brings doubt to my mind,

I can’t concentrate,

I end up making mistakes,

I lash out,

Due to my tiredness,

You’re growing,

Faster than I can blink,

Baby,

Please stay small,

I’ve missed so much,

Already,

Please, can we rewind time,

Just a little bit,

You’re growing,

But my patience isn’t,

It wears down and down,

Each day,

It is wire thin now,

On days I’m at my worse,

And then,

I think,

The violet cloak,

Makes me think,

Of horrible,

Things,

Things that I wouldn’t dream,

Of doing,

To anyone,

It makes me think,

Of hurting you,

Because you’ve pushed me,

Too far that day,

It makes me think,

Of pushing you away,

I don’t want to think,

Like that,

I’d rather harm myself,

Than you,

My beautiful baby,

I’m trying,

Each day,

To fight this violet cloak,

I’m trying,

Each day,

To be,

The best mum,

I’m trying,

I’m fighting,

Please,

Stay by my side,

Forever

Pink (Pre-Natal Depression)

Once,

There was,

A time,

I felt,

Joy,

Where,

I was happy,

About the fact,

I was going to become,

A mother,

I was excited,

To learn,

If you were,

A boy or a girl,

Now,

Everything has changed,

I’m floating,

Among pink clouds,

Numb,

Disconnected,

From the world around me,

I question,

Myself,

Everyday,

If I will,

Ever be able,

To bond with you,

Once you’ve arrived,

I can’t concentrate,

On the words,

Coming,

From the nurses,

In the hospital,

Letting me,

That you’re doing fine,

I forget,

Those words,

And ask you’re daddy,

What the said,

The moment after,

We’ve left,

I can’t sleep,

Not because,

I’m uncomfortable,

Because my mind,

Spins,

Around and around,

With questions,

That have no answers,

The pink clouds,

May seem calming,

But they are a torment,

To me,

It makes me irritable,

I snap,

When I don’t want to,

Because,

Baby,

I just want to love you,

I feel fatigued,

Because I’m not,

Getting enough sleep,

On the opposite side,

I want to eat,

You’re hungry,

Baby,

That I understand,

I’m eating for two,

Yet,

I dread,

What will come next,

Will I gain more weight?

Will you be alright,

With this obsessive eating?

Will you look,

Into my eyes,

The moment,

You’re born with love,

Or hate?

I have failed you,

Baby,

I want to be a good mum,

For you,

I’m trying to hard,

To be happy,

Baby,

For you,

But all I feel is sadness,

Every waking moment,

I’ve thought,

More than,

Once,

I can’t do this,

I don’t want to be here,

I don’t deserve,

To hold you,

To call you,

Baby,

Or by any name,

We decided,

I’m scared,

Baby,

I want your life,

To be better,

Than this,

I want you to smile,

And call me,

Mum,

One day,

I yearn,

To be free,

From these,

Soft pink clouds,

Baby,

I will try,

For you,

I will do anything

Brown (Male Depression and Anxiety)

How long,

Has it been,

Like this,

I can’t remember,

I feel,

Like I’m swimming,

In an ocean,

That has no end,

Nor beginning,

Only,

The ocean,

Has turned,

Into a swamp,

Of brown mud,

I struggle,

Day to day,

To make any headway,

Because,

I’m tired,

Some say,

That’s an excuse,

And sail by,

I’m tired,

Due to the depression,

The black cloak,

That no-one ever sees,

I’m tired,

Of trying to fight,

Off the anxious thoughts,

That trespass,

My mind,

My vision,

Becomes obscured,

Blighted,

Negative thoughts,

I try to chase them away,

Only to fall,

Face first in the mud,

I can hear laughter,

Somewhere,

It’s getting closer,

I try to rise up,

Shake most of the mud,

And dirt off,

Before,

I try again,

At nights,

In the baren brown wasteland,

It’s sometimes peaceful,

I can imagine,

Frogs,

Croaking their merry song,

Crickets chirping,

But the reality,

It is not so sweet,

More of a nightmare,

At nights,

I struggle,

To sleep,

On the cold,

Muddy floor,

Trying not to think,

Trying to find,

Some harmony,

In my mind,

That will lull me to sleep,

I hear the laughter again,

It replays,

Over and over in my mind,

Like an evil spell,

Should I try harder,

To break,

From the shackles,

Of my mind?

Should,

I fight harder to survive,

In the brown wasteland?

A dozen times,

I will ask myself,

These question,

A dozen times,

I have answered them anew,

It is not enough,

It has never felt enough,

Like the wasteland wants more,

Needs more,

So I push on,

Unforgivingly,

I focus my mind,

On my goal,

I set my heart to stone,

I will find,

Those who laugh at me,

And prove them wrong,

I will find where they hide,

And tell them,

That I survived the worst,

Torment,

One could endure,

I will find a way,

Although,

I am lost,

There is no sense of direction here,

I will plough forward,

Making a path,

For myself and maybe others,

To follow,

I will find a way,

To banish,

The cloak of darkness,

To banish,

The anxious mind,

Forever

Blue (Male Anxiety)

The sea,

Calming,

Blue,

Daunting,

Unmeasurable,

I find myself,

Drawn,

To its vastness,

To the deepness,

That no man,

Or machine can reach,

I come here,

In the mornings,

When the Sun,

Is touching the horizon,

It’s beautiful,

Peaceful,

Yet,

My mind,

Is the complete opposite,

I worry,

Excessively,

About small things,

That then turn,

To larger things,

And the waves in my mind,

Grow larger,

And larger,

I’m self-conscious,

As I watch the sea,

Swaying,

Back and forth,

In a hypnotic motion,

I feel everyone stares,

At me,

Making jokes behind my back,

About my body image,

I’ve always been slim legged,

But when you get called names,

You start to wonder,

If there is anything,

You can do,

To make them stop,

I fear,

That one day,

Someone,

Will say something,

That will cause me,

To throw myself,

Far into the deep blue sea,

My stomach can be in knots,

When I’m out and about,

I feel tense,

Even stressed a little,

My mind wonders,

To negative,

Thoughts,

To possibilities,

That will never come true,

But the question,

What if,

Comes up,

Time and time again,

I never have an answer,

I let the blue waves,

Roll over and over,

Crashing down,

On me with full force,

I try to fight back,

Sometimes,

I win,

Others,

I lose,

I don’t sleep much,

Due to my thoughts,

Popping up,

When I don’t want them there,

I watch the sea,

Again,

Wishing,

My mind knew,

Peace,

Wishing,

Someday,

The blue vial,

Will shift,

And I will get to enjoy,

Being out with friends more,

And be able to relax,

Instead of fearing,

The worst,

One day,

Someday,

I will win,

My fight,

Against the raging,

Sea of my mind

Purple (Male Depression)

I am swamped,

By a haze,

That no one else,

Can see,

No one else,

Knows about the crushing weight,

I feel,

Under this cloak of darkness,

My world is a mask,

Of darkness,

With purple tints,

It’s lonely here,

I feel hollow,

Cold,

Numb,

There used to be a time,

Where light,

And happiness,

Filled my world,

Now,

There is a constant,

Emptiness,

Where the pureness,

Of life used to be,

My purple mask obscures,

The reality of life,

Glass half full,

Glass half empty,

Attitude,

Living,

In a world,

Full of shadows,

That are neither good,

Or bad,

They don’t phase me anymore,

Yet,

Some days,

I recede,

Into myself,

Closing myself off,

To those around me,

Especially those,

Closest to me,

I want to care,

I want to feel happy,

I want to feel the sun,

On my face,

I am stuck in,

An endless cycle,

Of trailing,

My cloak,

Of darkness,

Around with me,

No matter where I go,

I want to reach out,

I want someone,

To understand,

I want someone,

To feel what I do,

But this journey,

Is one I must take alone,

So,

I walk on,

In the endless queue,

Called life,

There is no going back,

There is no going forward,

No-one around me,

Wants to listen,

Like they are numb,

To my existence,

The queue,

Inches forward,

I drag my heels,

And then,

I am back,

To the staring,

Holes,

Into the back of people’s head,

Questioning myself,

Questioning why I am here,

The purple haze thickens,

The cloak descends,

I wait my turn,

I wait,

Endlessly,

And some part of me screams,

To get better,

To hope,

That good will return,

That happiness can be achieved,

But I will wait,

To find out,

What waits for me,

On the end of this journey,

In life

Grey (Depression and Anxiety)

I wake up,

I find myself,

In the same grey,

Ominous,

Endless,

Fog,

That I don’t remember,

Being here,

When I was young,

By my side,

My loyal,

Companion,

The black dog,

He seems to understand,

My anxiety,

In this desolate,

Fog land,

We take a walk,

Slowly,

Hoping,

That maybe,

Today,

Might be the day,

I find an answer,

That maybe,

This fog will lift,

And I can finally,

Be free,

The fog itself,

Isn’t dense,

You can make,

Considerable,

Headway,

However,

There are dangers in this fog,

I jump,

Every time,

I see a shadow,

A figure,

Unknown,

The black dog,

Tries to comfort me,

Other times,

It snaps,

And growls at my heels,

Demanding me,

To walk further,

Occasionally,

It tries,

To drive,

The figures,

Away,

Protecting me,

I’m grateful,

But it doesn’t last,

Not forever,

Sometimes,

The fog,

Thickens,

I lose,

Sight of everything.

I can’t breathe,

I feel like I’m suffocating,

And when I try,

To call,

On my only companion,

My only friend,

In this place,

Of endless,

Torment,

He is not near,

He is gone,

He has been gobbled up,

By the figures,

Or ran,

Into the distance,

Never to return,

I fall down,

Chocking,

On my tears,

Cradling,

Myself,

As the figures,

Claw at my skin,

I cry,

Again,

And again,

Until finally,

I fall asleep,

Feeling the claw marks,

On my skin,

Yet,

When I wake again.

There is not a scratch upon me,

And the torment,

Starts anew

White (Anxiety)

Imagine,

You are,

A white cloud,

Floating,

Aimlessly,

Through the sky,

No worries,

Or cares,

To weigh it down,

Suddenly,

The sky,

Begins,

To darken,

The cloud,

Shivers,

With fear,

Panic-stricken,

Over the sudden change.

More clouds,

Start,

To build,

On top,

Trapping,

You inside,

You’ve got nowhere,

To go,

Unable,

To breathe,

You’re heart,

Pounds,

Faster and faster,

Telling you to escape,

But the storm,

Clouds have gathered,

Colliding,

Together,

Thunder,

Rages,

And,

Lightning flashes,

As you tumble,

Through the storm,

Fearing the worst,

Outcome,

You hold you’re breath,

Close you’re eyes,

And then,

Nothing,

The mind goes blank,

White noise,

Like the storm has now passed,

And you’re left,

Floating,

In sky,

Shaken,

From the turmoil,

Floating,

And hoping,

That it will never come again

Black (Depression)

Without warning,

It comes,

Disguised,

As a dog,

First,

It befriends,

You,

It’s harmless,

What could,

A dog do to hurt anyone,

Next,

You go about,

You’re day to day,

Life,

The dog changes,

Colour,

Appearance,

Attitude,

It’s no longer,

The friendly dog from before,

It’s now,

A black wolf,

Howling,

Biting,

At every chance it gets,

It lingers,

In your shadows,

In dreams,

In the day,

Ready to pounce,

It causes you to feel,

Heavy,

Lonely,

Anxious,

Angry,

Worthless,

It causes you,

To shy away from friends,

Family,

And even loved ones,

It causes you,

To think,

Constantly about,

All the little things,

And big things,

Even worse,

It causes you,

To think about,

Throwing your life away,

You didn’t ask for this,

You wish for the wolf,

To go away,

For it to choose someone else,

To be elsewhere,

But it remains,

By your side,

Like a guardian angel,

Yet,

Why does it whisper,

In your ear,

Telling you not to sleep at night,

Why does it tell you,

That you don’t need to eat today,

Why does it drain you?

Of all you’re energy,

Why does it take so much?

And give so little in return,

The one day,

You seek help,

To manage to keep,

The beast at bay,

They give you pills,

But nothing changes,

The wolf,

Gets angry,

Hungry,

For more,

You try to come of the pills,

The wolf remains,

Ominous,

And black as before

Short story

The Masquerade House

In the darkened woods, there sits a house which everyone is too scared of to go near as they believe it’s haunted and dangerous but no-one knows that I own that house.

I bought it some years ago through an auction and I’ve been going back and forwards to the house every now and again when it suits me.

Tonight is no different as midnight now approaches and I wonder in the pitch black towards the house, I pull my jacket closer to my face as the wind bites at my skin, I slowly walk up the dirt road with some difficulty.

I only have the moonlight to guide me along the lonesome road but I’m only travelling to the house to collect something.

I finally reach a small clearing and I can spot the ramshackle house in the distance with ease despite the fact it has tree’s surrounding the entire house, engulfing it in darkness.

The house is small in size but it’s perfect for my purposes, it’s made out of blackened wood so it looks like cabin to most people and the windows have been boarded up through time by me.

Upon reaching the door, I reach into my jacket pocket and pull out a slender but old fashioned iron key which has also been stained black.

Once I’ve unlocked the door, it push my hand lightly to the wooden frame and it opens with a creak at my touch and I step into the darkness.

I place my hand against the wall and I feel my way across the room until I reach the top where there is a tall lamp.

Despite the fact that I’ve been coming here when I wish, I always stumble into the lamp and fumble as I try to find the switch but eventually I flick the switch and the lamp flare into life.

I start to blink away the green dots that appear before my eyes and I venture to the door and close it despite the fact that I know no-one will know what I do here.

With the door now closed, I stare at the room and sigh.

Despite the black wood lining the walls and the lamp as the only piece of furniture, the room would have felt homely but the masks on the wall, tell a different story.

Each mask is different from the last as each portrays a different emotion or persona that I made with own two hands and I can adapt to each of the masks easily.

I scan the walls and find the mask that I came here to collect in the first place.

The mask is pale but has a creamy texture like skin, the mask has no emotion, just a persona, a persona of a dead-man.

Well dead is an exaggeration, the man has never existed in the real world but he doesn’t have to be real for the magic to work.

I take the mask of the wall and carry it in my hands with some sentiment and care, this mask is by far, my favourite as it’s my own creation that manifested itself from my imagination.

I put the lamp off and take one last look around the room in its darkened state before I leave out the same door in which I entered.

Before I leave the house, I notice that the night feels less cool than it was when I first arrived, I lock the door and place the key back into my jacket pocket.

I begin my journey down the dirt path however as I do so, I can’t resist the pull of the magic of the masks power, I can’t resist changing into someone else.

I press the mask to my face and for an all too brief moment the world spins in a vicious black circle but soon the persona takes control.

I am no longer myself, despite the fact that I’ve still got my jacket on but I am now Edward Hyde, I am a monster.

I am confident and charming.

I am flesh and blood, a living breathing person.

But for one night, I am no longer a villain hiding in the shadows.

I will do justice with my cane.

For one lonesome night, I will make the world remember my name.

Sunbeam

“Despite all the trails, the stresses and the woes of the past few days, I’ve managed to escape the labyrinth and entered into Limbo although I find myself drifting closer and closer to Paradise. I smile lightly to myself as I think of you my sweet prince. I smile as I think about tomorrow. I really hope the weather stays fair for us handsome, I really do. I also can’t wait to be within your tender embrace and float endlessly amongst the white clouds with you by my side. However, I selflessly want the day to be about you, I want to hear about how your week as been and so on, I don’t want to hear myself speak. I just want to wonder the clouds of Paradise, side by side, hand in hand, with you my sweet prince, nothing more and nothing less. Although it won’t be long until tomorrow comes and I will get to see your smiling face once more”~ random thought