I’m not,

In my golden,

Years,

Of old age,

The disease,

I have,

Is the most,

Common,

Type,

Of dementia,

Though,

There are three,

Stages,

Early,

Symptoms,

Middle-stage,

Symptoms,

And later,

Symptoms,

In this,

Golden,

World,

It feels,

Like,

I’m the sun,

Watching,

Memories,

Of another time,

I forget,

About conversations,

I’ve just,

Had,

I forget,

The names,

Of places,

And misplace,

Items in the house,

I ask questions,

Repetitively,

I have trouble,

Thinking,

About the right words,

To say,

I find it hard,

To make decisions,

And I’m hesitant,

To try new,

Things,

I can,

Also,

Become,

Agitated,

And anxious,

More frequently,

I also,

Become,

More confused,

At things,

This is,

All the early symptoms,

The doctors,

Say,

It will,

Eventually,

Get worse,

They told me,

I could,

Experience,

Hallucinations,

And delusions,

I may be violent,

Towards,

My family,

Or even carers,

If I have to,

Go into,

A home,

They say,

I might,

Become suspicious,

For example,

I may think,

My family,

Is stealing money,

From me,

When that’s not,

True,

They say,

I might not,

Be able,

To look after,

Myself,

With eating,

And drinking,

I might not be,

Able to walk,

Or talk the same,

I can pee,

Myself,

As well,

By accident,

And my,

Long and short,

Term memory,

Will start to fade,

Away,

I’m lucky,

I’m still,

In this early stage,

I’m afraid,

Of the worst,

But for now,

I will enjoy,

Basking,

In this golden,

Glow,

Remembering,

Happy times,

As well,

As taking,

The medicine,

The doctors,

Gave me,

Though they did,

Suggest,

That therapy,

May be an option,

For when,

The symptoms,

Get worse,

They also,

Suggested,

Making a memory,

Book,

Or a photo,

Album,

That I can,

Look back,

On,

When the days,

Are long,

And I’m stuck,

Inside,

Alone,

And for,

When this golden,

Sun,

Finally,

Losses it’s glow,

I’ll be able,

To look,

At those memories,

One last time

What,

I have,

May not,

Affect,

Me mentally,

But,

My condition,

Still effects,

My brain,

It,

Can,

Happen,

At any time,

Day or night,

If I’m stressed,

Or I’ve not had,

Enough sleep,

When,

I wake up,

Or if,

There is a flashing,

Light,

Sometimes,

There,

Is no warning,

Sometimes,

I can feel,

It,

Even,

Sense,

It,

Rising,

From,

My stomach,

All,

I know,

Is,

The orange-red,

Glow,

Greets,

Me,

Every time,

Almost,

Like,

A blanket,

Ready to be,

Crawled,

Into,

The worst seizure,

Is called,

Status epilepticus,

Where,

The seizure,

Can,

Last a long,

Time,

The person,

Doesn’t regain,

Consciousness,

Between,

The fits,

Each seizure,

Causes,

The body,

To jerk and shake,

Others,

Cause problems,

Like loss of,

Awareness,

Or unusual sensations,

The other seizures,

Have names too,

Like Aura’s,

Complex partial (focal) seizure,

Tonic-clonic seizure,

Absences,

Myoclonic seizures,

Clonic seizures,

Tonic seizures,

And,

Lastly,

Atonic seizures,

I wish,

I could remember,

What one,

The doctors,

Said I have,

But shock,

Along,

With the medication,

Dulled,

The memory,

They said,

The seizures,

May stop,

Over time,

I don’t think,

So,

I can feel,

The,

Orange-red,

Glow,

Pulsing,

Behind,

My eyes,

I’ll stick,

To the medication,

Until,

It gets too much,

To handle,

Then,

I’ll consider,

The other options

I’ve been,
Told,
That,
Each person,
Is affected,
Differently,
By,
The disease,
That eats,
Away,
At me,
Night and day,
My brain,
Is damaging,
Itself,
They say,
But,
All,
I see,
Is rust,
Coloured,
Hands,
And feet,
It started,
With a tremor,
In my hands,
When,
I was sitting,
Watching,
The,
TV,
I thought,
It was,
Just a sign,
Of old age,
Next,
It was,
My walking,
I was slow,
Like I was,
Trying,
To walk through,
Triffle,
The rust,
Now consuming,
It’s way,
To my legs,
And the,
Last,
Was,
I felt,
Stiff,
And tense,
In my muscles,
I found,
It difficult,
To make,
Expressions,
With my face,
They were,
All warning,
Signs,
And the,
GP,
Said,
It’s,
Parkinson’s Disease,
How could,
They be so sure,
I asked aloud,
So,
They asked,
Loads,
Of questions,
About,
My balance,
My pee,
My sense of smell,
If I had any nerve pain,
Or if I had,
Problems,
With my poo,
Was I eating,
And drinking well,
Did I feel dizzy?
Was I sleeping ok?
Was I sweating,
Too much?
Did I feel depressed?
How was my memory?
When I answered,
Their questions,
The diagnostics,
Was confirmed,
But,
It wasn’t the end,
They gave me pills,
And other remedies,
Though,
The rust,
Will continue,
To eat my,
Brian,
At least for now,
I have help.
So,
My body,
Doesn’t rust away too

Hypochondria,
Is what,
I’ve been,
Told,
I have,
Health anxiety,
Sounds,
So much better,
I sometimes,
Feel,
Like,
I’m walking,
In an,
Apricot,
Coloured,
Jelly,
Somedays,
It will hold,
My weight,
But,
Others,
I sink,
Down,
And down,
Never,
Reaching,
The bottom,
I am,
Constantly,
Worrying,
Over my own,
Health,
Checking,
For any signs,
Of lumps,
Bumps,
Or any signs,
Of being ill,
I don’t want,
To be ill,
But,
The anxiety itself,
Feeds,
Thoughts,
Making,
My head pound,
And my heart race,
I have asked,
People,
For reassurance,
And perhaps,
They can put,
My mind,
At ease,
About the doctors,
Tests,
Because I worry,
They might be wrong,
Or they have,
Overlooked something,
I don’t watch,
Any of the medical,
Programmes,
On TV,
But sometimes,
I’ll spend,
Hours,
Looking online,
To see if I can,
Find something,
That helps,
To ease,
The storm
Inside,
My head,
I avoid,
Physical,
Activities,
Incase,
They make me worse,
So,
Far,
The self-help,
Has made,
The apricot,
Jelly,
More stable,
I’ll write in,
My diary,
And keep,
Busy with other,
Tasks,
But,
I’ve noticed,
The worries,
Are preventing,
Me from leading,
A normal life,
The doctor,
Suggested,
Therapy,
I’m willing,
To try it,
So one,
Day,
My mind,
Doesn’t feel,
Like,
It’s a jelly swamp

My depression,
Comes,
And goes,
With,
The seasonal patterns,
I can,
Be happy,
In the,
Summer,
But,
Gloomy,
In the winter,
My world,
Turns,
Cold,
Cerulean,
Blue,
My mood,
Is persistently low,
I feel,
Anxious,
Stressed,
I become,
Less sociable,
With friends,
And family,
I find,
No pleasure,
In normal,
Activities,
I feel,
Irritated,
And the guilt,
And the despair,
Come easily,
And my self-esteem,
Plummets,
To a new found,
Low,
I am less,
Active,
I feel,
Lethargic,
And often,
Find it hard,
To get out,
Of bed,
In the morning,
Because I’ve,
Overslept,
I find,
It hard,
To concentrate,
And I grave,
Food,
That brings me,
Comfort,
But only,
Add,
On weight,
In this,
Seemingly,
Endless,
Cerulean,
World,
I look,
Forward,
To the days,
Of Spring,
And summer,
But dread,
The Autumn,
Time,
Though,
Winter,
Is the worst,
Of all,
The anti-depressants,
Have been,
Working,
A little,
But,
They don’t,
Do much,
To lift away,
The cerulean,
Cloud,
The doctors,
Suggested,
That the next,
Step,
Would be,
Therapy,
Or,
Counselling,
I’ve not decided,
Which route,
To take,
But,
I’m certain
I want,
To beat.
This,
Before,
It overcomes me,
Forever

Like,

A pendulum,

My mood,

Swings,

From,

One extreme,

To the other,

These,

Swings,

Can,

Last,

For months,

At a time,

I feel,

All the,

High,

Moments,

Are captured,

In amber,

But so are,

All the bad,

At the lowest point,

I feel sad,

Alone,

Hopeless,

Helpless,

I can lose,

Sleep and not eat,

I feel,

Like,

I’ve no energy,

No interest,

In daily life,

I feel empty,

Cold,

Guilt,

And despair,

I can’t concentrate,

And I get irritable,

I can be pessimistic,

I self doubt,

Sometimes,

I wake up early,

Delusional,

And suicidal,

But,

The high point,

The mania,

As they call,

It,

I’m happy,

I’m full of energy,

I can talk quite quickly,

I feel,

Like I have more value,

I have great ideas,

I’m motivated.

I can be a bit distracted,

I can still,

Be irritated easily,

I don’t feel,

Like sleeping,

Because I have,

All these important,

Ideas,

I don’t eat,

I can still,

Experience,

Delusions,

I can often,

Spend loads,

Of money,

Without realizing it,

I make,

Decisions,

That are out,

Of character,

I’m on medication,

To help,

Ease,

The effects,

But another,

Course,

Maybe,

Therapy,

To help me,

Recognize,

The triggers,

The pendulum,

Keeps,

On swinging,

The amber,

Keeps,

On,

Dripping,

Creating,

More memories,

And,

I believe,

It will,

Get easier,

In time

Being,

In my world,

I am more,

Than just,

Shy,

I have,

A dread,

That doesn’t,

Go away,

And it,

Affects,

My every day,

Activities,

My self-confidence,

Relationships,

And work,

I feel,

Like I’m,

Wrapped,

In a teal cocoon,

I worry,

About social,

Situations,

Before,

During,

And after,

They happen,

I dread,

Meeting strangers,

Starting conversations,

Speaking on the phone,

Working,

Shopping,

I tend,

To avoid,

And even worry,

About having,

Group chats,

Or eating with others,

Or parties,

I will worry,

About blushing,

In front of others,

I feel,

Like I’m being judged,

Or watched,

If I’m doing anything,

And within,

This teal cocoon,

I find things difficult,

I fear criticism,

I have had,

Panic attacks,

Before,

When the cocoon,

Tightened,

Around me,

Enclosing,

Me within,

It’s grasp,

There,

Is a way out,

I felt,

Close before,

To getting out,

Escaping,

But I,

Relapsed,

Back,

To the start again,

Now,

I’m going to try,

Therapy,

And the,

Guided self-help,

Maybe,

Even,

Join,

One of the support,

Groups,

So,

I can chat,

Online,

Without,

Having the,

Nausea,

That comes before,

A panic attack,

When,

I exit,

This cocoon,

And this,

Phobia,

Is put to,

An end,

I may yet,

Turn,

Into a,

Beautiful,

Butterfly

I am,

Confused

With,

Being,

A,

Psychopath,

But,

They lack,

Empathy,

They manipulate,

And,

They,

Disregard,

The consequences,

Of their actions,

They can be violent,

While I,

Wouldn’t,

Hurt a fly,

This,

Illness,

Is,

Short-term,

I feel,

Like,

I’m drowning,

In a plum,

Muddy,

Waters,

Between,

The,

Hallucinations,

And,

The,

Delusions,

It’s hard,

To,

Distinguish,

The,

Difference,

Between,

My world,

And,

That,

Of,

Schizophrenia,

But,

There,

Is one,

Difference,

I have,

A lack,

Of insight,

Meaning,

That I am,

Unaware,

That,

The delusions,

And the hallucinations,

Are real,

I feel,

Scared,

Alone,

Distressed,

My,

Thoughts,

Become,

Confused,

And,

Disturbed,

And,

Then,

I’m back,

To drowning,

In plum,

My treatment,

Options,

Are the,

Same,

As,

Schizophrenia,

Yet,

I,

Feel,

So vastly,

Different,

From them,

Like,

I’m an alien,

An imposter,

In the world,

Around me,

Maybe,

It’s because,

They,

Don’t treat me,

Separately,

From the rest,

I’m just the same,

But,

I don’t want,

To be like,

Them,

I’m drowning,

Again,

I can,

Hear,

The voices,

Coming back,

Someone,

Save me

I am seen,

As,

Having,

A split,

Personality,

Or,

I am,

Violent,

In behavior,

They,

Are wrong,

They don’t,

Understand,

What it’s like,

To live,

With,

A,

Blue-violet,

Shimmer,

Inside,

Their head,

At first,

It started,

That I was,

Becoming,

Socially,

Withdrawn,

Unresponsive,

To those,

Around me,

Changes,

In sleeping,

But,

The shimmer,

Caused,

The hallucinations,

I could,

See,

Hear,

Smell,

And taste,

Things,

That were not there,

The blue-violet,

Shimmer,

Made me,

Believe,

They were real,

And I was powerless,

To argue,

The voices,

Too real,

Too loud,

To ignore,

And they,

Say that’s,

A positive,

Symptom,

Of my condition,

It doesn’t feel,

Positive,

To me,

I can experience,

Delusions,

Confusing thoughts,

The negative,

Symptoms,

Make me lose,

Interest,

In life.

I can’t concentrate,

I don’t,

Want,

To communicate,

It’s all,

So easy,

For them,

To label,

But there,

Not the ones,

Being led,

To their demise,

By,

The appealing,

Shimmer,

Of,

A blue-violet,

Light,

I want to be free,

To shake,

It away,

I have various,

Options,

One,

Being antipsychotics,

Another,

Is therapy,

Or even,

Working with,

A mental,

Health team,

I’ll,

Chase,

This shimmer,

Away,

Once,

And for all

My name,

Is,

Narcissistic personality disorder,

I am,

Unknown,

I go,

Unrecognized,

I am born,

Out,

Of multiple,

Things,

But,

I know,

I cast,

A peach,

Mist upon,

The mind,

Of my host,

They,

Feel,

As though,

They are,

Grandious,

And expect,

Superior treatment,

From others,

They fixate,

On power,

And success,

They perceive,

That they are,

Unique,

And associate,

Themselves,

With,

People,

Of high-status,

They need,

Constant,

Admiration,

They sense,

That,

They need special,

Treatment,

And even,

Obedience,

From others,

They exploit,

Others,

To achieve,

Their own,

Personal goals,

They are,

Unwilling,

To empathize,

With feelings,

Wished,

And other,

People’s needs,

They are envious,

Of others,

And believe,

That others,

Are envious,

Of them,

They,

Are arrogant,

Pompous,

In demeanor,

I am,

The peach mist,

In their mind,

I can feel,

Struggle,

Against,

Me,

All the time,

I can sense,

That,

They are seeking,

Treatment,

So,

That I’m not,

So powerful,

The treatment,

Is psychotherapy,

I wonder,

If it will,

Really,

Help,

Under,

My mist,

My host,

Is powerless,

And they dance,

Clueless,

In the peach,

Swirling,

Mists,

Of my grasp