Pink (Pre-Natal Depression)

Once,

There was,

A time,

I felt,

Joy,

Where,

I was happy,

About the fact,

I was going to become,

A mother,

I was excited,

To learn,

If you were,

A boy or a girl,

Now,

Everything has changed,

I’m floating,

Among pink clouds,

Numb,

Disconnected,

From the world around me,

I question,

Myself,

Everyday,

If I will,

Ever be able,

To bond with you,

Once you’ve arrived,

I can’t concentrate,

On the words,

Coming,

From the nurses,

In the hospital,

Letting me,

That you’re doing fine,

I forget,

Those words,

And ask you’re daddy,

What the said,

The moment after,

We’ve left,

I can’t sleep,

Not because,

I’m uncomfortable,

Because my mind,

Spins,

Around and around,

With questions,

That have no answers,

The pink clouds,

May seem calming,

But they are a torment,

To me,

It makes me irritable,

I snap,

When I don’t want to,

Because,

Baby,

I just want to love you,

I feel fatigued,

Because I’m not,

Getting enough sleep,

On the opposite side,

I want to eat,

You’re hungry,

Baby,

That I understand,

I’m eating for two,

Yet,

I dread,

What will come next,

Will I gain more weight?

Will you be alright,

With this obsessive eating?

Will you look,

Into my eyes,

The moment,

You’re born with love,

Or hate?

I have failed you,

Baby,

I want to be a good mum,

For you,

I’m trying to hard,

To be happy,

Baby,

For you,

But all I feel is sadness,

Every waking moment,

I’ve thought,

More than,

Once,

I can’t do this,

I don’t want to be here,

I don’t deserve,

To hold you,

To call you,

Baby,

Or by any name,

We decided,

I’m scared,

Baby,

I want your life,

To be better,

Than this,

I want you to smile,

And call me,

Mum,

One day,

I yearn,

To be free,

From these,

Soft pink clouds,

Baby,

I will try,

For you,

I will do anything

Brown (Male Depression and Anxiety)

How long,

Has it been,

Like this,

I can’t remember,

I feel,

Like I’m swimming,

In an ocean,

That has no end,

Nor beginning,

Only,

The ocean,

Has turned,

Into a swamp,

Of brown mud,

I struggle,

Day to day,

To make any headway,

Because,

I’m tired,

Some say,

That’s an excuse,

And sail by,

I’m tired,

Due to the depression,

The black cloak,

That no-one ever sees,

I’m tired,

Of trying to fight,

Off the anxious thoughts,

That trespass,

My mind,

My vision,

Becomes obscured,

Blighted,

Negative thoughts,

I try to chase them away,

Only to fall,

Face first in the mud,

I can hear laughter,

Somewhere,

It’s getting closer,

I try to rise up,

Shake most of the mud,

And dirt off,

Before,

I try again,

At nights,

In the baren brown wasteland,

It’s sometimes peaceful,

I can imagine,

Frogs,

Croaking their merry song,

Crickets chirping,

But the reality,

It is not so sweet,

More of a nightmare,

At nights,

I struggle,

To sleep,

On the cold,

Muddy floor,

Trying not to think,

Trying to find,

Some harmony,

In my mind,

That will lull me to sleep,

I hear the laughter again,

It replays,

Over and over in my mind,

Like an evil spell,

Should I try harder,

To break,

From the shackles,

Of my mind?

Should,

I fight harder to survive,

In the brown wasteland?

A dozen times,

I will ask myself,

These question,

A dozen times,

I have answered them anew,

It is not enough,

It has never felt enough,

Like the wasteland wants more,

Needs more,

So I push on,

Unforgivingly,

I focus my mind,

On my goal,

I set my heart to stone,

I will find,

Those who laugh at me,

And prove them wrong,

I will find where they hide,

And tell them,

That I survived the worst,

Torment,

One could endure,

I will find a way,

Although,

I am lost,

There is no sense of direction here,

I will plough forward,

Making a path,

For myself and maybe others,

To follow,

I will find a way,

To banish,

The cloak of darkness,

To banish,

The anxious mind,

Forever

Blue (Male Anxiety)

The sea,

Calming,

Blue,

Daunting,

Unmeasurable,

I find myself,

Drawn,

To its vastness,

To the deepness,

That no man,

Or machine can reach,

I come here,

In the mornings,

When the Sun,

Is touching the horizon,

It’s beautiful,

Peaceful,

Yet,

My mind,

Is the complete opposite,

I worry,

Excessively,

About small things,

That then turn,

To larger things,

And the waves in my mind,

Grow larger,

And larger,

I’m self-conscious,

As I watch the sea,

Swaying,

Back and forth,

In a hypnotic motion,

I feel everyone stares,

At me,

Making jokes behind my back,

About my body image,

I’ve always been slim legged,

But when you get called names,

You start to wonder,

If there is anything,

You can do,

To make them stop,

I fear,

That one day,

Someone,

Will say something,

That will cause me,

To throw myself,

Far into the deep blue sea,

My stomach can be in knots,

When I’m out and about,

I feel tense,

Even stressed a little,

My mind wonders,

To negative,

Thoughts,

To possibilities,

That will never come true,

But the question,

What if,

Comes up,

Time and time again,

I never have an answer,

I let the blue waves,

Roll over and over,

Crashing down,

On me with full force,

I try to fight back,

Sometimes,

I win,

Others,

I lose,

I don’t sleep much,

Due to my thoughts,

Popping up,

When I don’t want them there,

I watch the sea,

Again,

Wishing,

My mind knew,

Peace,

Wishing,

Someday,

The blue vial,

Will shift,

And I will get to enjoy,

Being out with friends more,

And be able to relax,

Instead of fearing,

The worst,

One day,

Someday,

I will win,

My fight,

Against the raging,

Sea of my mind

Purple (Male Depression)

I am swamped,

By a haze,

That no one else,

Can see,

No one else,

Knows about the crushing weight,

I feel,

Under this cloak of darkness,

My world is a mask,

Of darkness,

With purple tints,

It’s lonely here,

I feel hollow,

Cold,

Numb,

There used to be a time,

Where light,

And happiness,

Filled my world,

Now,

There is a constant,

Emptiness,

Where the pureness,

Of life used to be,

My purple mask obscures,

The reality of life,

Glass half full,

Glass half empty,

Attitude,

Living,

In a world,

Full of shadows,

That are neither good,

Or bad,

They don’t phase me anymore,

Yet,

Some days,

I recede,

Into myself,

Closing myself off,

To those around me,

Especially those,

Closest to me,

I want to care,

I want to feel happy,

I want to feel the sun,

On my face,

I am stuck in,

An endless cycle,

Of trailing,

My cloak,

Of darkness,

Around with me,

No matter where I go,

I want to reach out,

I want someone,

To understand,

I want someone,

To feel what I do,

But this journey,

Is one I must take alone,

So,

I walk on,

In the endless queue,

Called life,

There is no going back,

There is no going forward,

No-one around me,

Wants to listen,

Like they are numb,

To my existence,

The queue,

Inches forward,

I drag my heels,

And then,

I am back,

To the staring,

Holes,

Into the back of people’s head,

Questioning myself,

Questioning why I am here,

The purple haze thickens,

The cloak descends,

I wait my turn,

I wait,

Endlessly,

And some part of me screams,

To get better,

To hope,

That good will return,

That happiness can be achieved,

But I will wait,

To find out,

What waits for me,

On the end of this journey,

In life

Grey (Depression and Anxiety)

I wake up,

I find myself,

In the same grey,

Ominous,

Endless,

Fog,

That I don’t remember,

Being here,

When I was young,

By my side,

My loyal,

Companion,

The black dog,

He seems to understand,

My anxiety,

In this desolate,

Fog land,

We take a walk,

Slowly,

Hoping,

That maybe,

Today,

Might be the day,

I find an answer,

That maybe,

This fog will lift,

And I can finally,

Be free,

The fog itself,

Isn’t dense,

You can make,

Considerable,

Headway,

However,

There are dangers in this fog,

I jump,

Every time,

I see a shadow,

A figure,

Unknown,

The black dog,

Tries to comfort me,

Other times,

It snaps,

And growls at my heels,

Demanding me,

To walk further,

Occasionally,

It tries,

To drive,

The figures,

Away,

Protecting me,

I’m grateful,

But it doesn’t last,

Not forever,

Sometimes,

The fog,

Thickens,

I lose,

Sight of everything.

I can’t breathe,

I feel like I’m suffocating,

And when I try,

To call,

On my only companion,

My only friend,

In this place,

Of endless,

Torment,

He is not near,

He is gone,

He has been gobbled up,

By the figures,

Or ran,

Into the distance,

Never to return,

I fall down,

Chocking,

On my tears,

Cradling,

Myself,

As the figures,

Claw at my skin,

I cry,

Again,

And again,

Until finally,

I fall asleep,

Feeling the claw marks,

On my skin,

Yet,

When I wake again.

There is not a scratch upon me,

And the torment,

Starts anew

Black (Depression)

Without warning,

It comes,

Disguised,

As a dog,

First,

It befriends,

You,

It’s harmless,

What could,

A dog do to hurt anyone,

Next,

You go about,

You’re day to day,

Life,

The dog changes,

Colour,

Appearance,

Attitude,

It’s no longer,

The friendly dog from before,

It’s now,

A black wolf,

Howling,

Biting,

At every chance it gets,

It lingers,

In your shadows,

In dreams,

In the day,

Ready to pounce,

It causes you to feel,

Heavy,

Lonely,

Anxious,

Angry,

Worthless,

It causes you,

To shy away from friends,

Family,

And even loved ones,

It causes you,

To think,

Constantly about,

All the little things,

And big things,

Even worse,

It causes you,

To think about,

Throwing your life away,

You didn’t ask for this,

You wish for the wolf,

To go away,

For it to choose someone else,

To be elsewhere,

But it remains,

By your side,

Like a guardian angel,

Yet,

Why does it whisper,

In your ear,

Telling you not to sleep at night,

Why does it tell you,

That you don’t need to eat today,

Why does it drain you?

Of all you’re energy,

Why does it take so much?

And give so little in return,

The one day,

You seek help,

To manage to keep,

The beast at bay,

They give you pills,

But nothing changes,

The wolf,

Gets angry,

Hungry,

For more,

You try to come of the pills,

The wolf remains,

Ominous,

And black as before

Suffocate

Taking in a heavy breath,

I close my eyes,

To shield out,

The world around me,

I inhale deeper,

And deeper,

As I can’t control,

The feeling,

Of paranoia,

I feel,

A tightness around me,

Like someone,

Has put me into a straight jacket,

And pulled the strings too tight,

I can feel,

The darkness growing thicker,

Despite the fact,

My eyes are shut tightly,

I open them now,

And I still feel,

The grip,

Of paranoia,

Surrounding me,

Suffocating me,

I hear the lies,

In my head,

But I can’t ignore them,

I fall deeper and deeper,

Into a world,

Of oblivion,

I try to calm myself,

But the walls are closing in,

I try to think,

But the voices are too strong,

I’m drowning,

In my own thoughts,

And as I sink deeper,

Into the gloom,

And I wonder,

If I will escape…

Henry Hyde

English RP Throughout

“You should have took the cyanide Henry,” I say softly to my counterpart.

“Shut up, just shut up!” replied Henry.

It is always like this, Henry constantly shouting at me as I whisper in his mind, he can no longer set me free from this prison.

The prison in his head and the one we are now in.

We have been here for nearly a month and Henry seems to think that not ending his life, our lives that day was a smart choice.

What happened that day was Henry just gave himself up to the police as the barged through the door of the laboratory and demanded that I, Edward Hyde give myself up for my heinous crimes and go willingly.

I begged and pleaded with Henry as he sat starring at the potion in his hand, he simply laughed at me and said in a low voice; “there is no escape now,” I still don’t know what he meant but he went willingly with the police.

Now we are here, waiting for our death sentence. I am weak despite the fact that Henry is strong and I wonder if our places have switched, I wonder if I am him and he is me.

“Will you not speak with me?” I ask curiously.

“I have nothing to say to you,” Henry replied bitterly.

“This is not my fault, I didn’t bring us here, you did Henry,” I say honestly.

“You’re the one they are sentencing to death remember,” Henry said matter-of-factly

“But you will die to Henry, you will die as I die, I am a part of you as much as you are a part of me,” I say slowly losing my temper and patience.

“You will never be a part of me, not now, not ever,” Henry says angrily.

“Will you keep it down in there?” a voice from the corridor breaks the conversation.

“Know this Edward, when we die, you will be sent to Hell from your crimes and I will become a martyr,” Henry whispers and shuts me out.

He does this often, blocks out my thoughts and my opinions, he is becoming less and less like the man I used to admire for his cunning and his wit, he is becoming something that I fear and loathe, he is becoming the Edward Hyde that I once was.

I don’t know who I am or what I am meant to be but if Henry keeps shutting me out the way he is, I will not be able to stop, I grow weaker and weaker each day, maybe I should have took control of his, our body and took the cyanide, maybe we wouldn’t be in this mess. Maybe I should have took action but I was powerless to sway him and his course.

Now, we must wait for the final judgement.

Several months later

“Henry… Henry,” I say weakly.

“What do you want?” Henry replies distantly.

“Please, I am begging you, do not go through with this, this is madness, please,” I say pleadingly.

“If that is all you want to say then…” Henry begins but I cut him short.

“No, you will not shut me out, I will not die here inside you quietly, while I still have breathe left within me, you will listen,” I say sharply.

“Fine, go ahead,” Henry answers back like he has nothing to lose.

“I beg you to plead innocent to my crimes, you will not be punished severally, if you will let me, I can transform and I will admit that I was wrong but you had no part in it, Henry please…” I say with conviction but I am cut off.

“It’s time,” a young police officer says.

“Henry, please, Henry… HENRY!” and with those last words I fall into the darkness as Henry blocks me out for probably the last time.

I don’t remember much of the trail as I felt a numbness in my bones, I felt like I was floating towards some dark oblivion, I remember someone asking if they were speaking to Henry or Hyde.

It was his answer then that woke me, “I was Henry Jekyll but I am not the same, Hyde is within me or I should say Jekyll,”

“Speak sense man,” the judge decreed.

“I am Henry Hyde, Jekyll is dead, buried within my mind, I am Hyde,” Henry answered.

I soon blacked out again and I knew that he had sentenced us both to unpleasant death, I was already dying or decaying and now Henry would lose his reputation for being a scientist and now it seemed it he had finally lost himself to the madness of his own twisted mind.

After the trail, I woke up sweaty and on the verge of breaking down, I wanted to try and get him to listen to me one last time but to him I was already dead.

The next thing I knew was Henry was being prepared for the gallows for my crimes, I realised then that he must have admitted to them after his outrageous claim, I realised that Henry wanted the world to see what madmen could do. I pitied him and I hated him.

We walked to an open space where a crowd had gathered to watch the spectacle, there had been hanging’s earlier judging by the amount of dead bodies that they had thrown to the side.

I felt uneasy, numb and I wanted to run far away but Henry kept me locked away in this black prison of his mind.

With the noose around our neck, our heart in our throats, I tried to speak but the word were dry upon my tongue, Henry was unstoppable now.

“Any last words gent’s?” the executioner asked flatly.

“I AM HENRY HYDE!” were the words that came from our lips before the world went black and we were no more.

On another note; I really need to get back to writing some more light stuff. On a different note; my old blog has reached 2,567 page views and this blog has reached 11,337 page views. Once again a big thank you to all you nice people out there for continuing to visit both blogs.