At first,
I thought,
It was nothing,
But a habit,
Born,
From,
Either,
Boredom,
Or stress,
I was picking,
At the skin,
On fingers,
Round,
The clock,
Most would stare,
And say nothing,
Others,
Told me to stop,
But it never worked,
I couldn’t stop,
I was lost,
A thick,
Chartreuse,
Stew,
I didn’t see,
The cuts,
Or the bleeding,
I didn’t even,
Realise,
I was doing it,
When,
They stared,
It made,
The anxiety,
Ten times,
Worse,
The biting,
And picking,
Would resume,
Tenfold,
I tried,
To stop myself,
By keeping,
My hands busy,
Try to stop,
For longer periods,
Of time,
But,
When you’re,
In the,
Chartreuse,
Stew,
It’s not as easy,
To get out,
As one,
Might,
Think,
So,
I went,
To the GP,
Because,
More and more,
At work,
Were,
Growing,
Concerned,
About my wellbeing,
My family,
Was anxious to,
About how,
To help me,
Stop,
From causing,
Damage to my skin,
That didn’t heal,
As quick,
As the rest,
They are,
Trying the,
Medication,
First,
But,
I’ve asked,
If there is,
Another possible route,
To take,
And they,
Suggested,
Counseling,
I’ve been,
Refereed,
To the,
Dermatologist,
To see,
If the skin,
Is damaged,
Or if I have,
An underlying,
Skin condition,
Such,
As eczema,
Whatever,
The case may be,
I hope,
That,
This stew,
Won’t be so thick,
In the future

At first,

I was afraid,

To touch,

Mummy’s bump,

In case,

I hurt you,

In your cocoon,

But,

I got used it,

Now,

You’re here,

My precious,

Little boy,

I am,

You’re daddy,

Despite,

The smile,

On my lips,

I feel,

As though,

I wading,

In a maroon,

Syrup,

Each step,

I take,

Cautiously,

In case,

I drop you,

Or handle you,

The wrong way,

It’s normal,

To be anxious,

Like this,

I’ve never,

Been one,

For looking after,

Younger children,

But today,

I will start,

Afresh,

It will get,

Easier,

Over time,

They say,

I’ll get more,

Confident,

But I don’t,

The maroon syrup,

Drags,

Me further,

And deeper,

Than before,

I feel useless,

Because,

Mummy,

Does everything better,

Than me,

I love you dearly,

Though,

Because,

I worry,

I’ve had sleepless nights,

I still can’t believe,

You’re here sometimes,

You’re growing,

In ways,

I don’t understand,

You’re changing,

Into a little person,

I find it difficult,

To keep up,

With you,

I thought,

Wrong things,

And said worse,

Things,

I regret both,

I always say sorry,

But the heartache,

Is still there,

I’ve been giving,

The option,

Of tablets,

And they seem

To help,

But I find myself,

Drowsy,

I blink,

And you’ve changed again,

My wonderful,

Boy,

I’m fighting,

Through,

This maroon,

Syrup,

To be the best dad,

You could ask for,

Will bring,

A little sunshine,

To this place,

And guide me,

To happier times

A lot,

Of people,

Would argue,

That,

I’m lucky,

I’m able,

To fall asleep,

When I want,

But it’s not,

That simple,

My condition,

Means,

That I can,

Fall asleep,

During the day,

And it makes,

It difficult,

To work,

Or even,

Watch a film,

At home,

I’m,

Often,

Misjudged as lazy,

The worst part,

Is when,

The turquoise,

Smog,

Descends,

Without warning,

I can sometimes,

Sleep for a few,

Seconds,

But for others,

It can last,

Several minutes,

When,

It’s not under,

Control,

I can many,

Sleep attacks,

During the day,

I’ve had,

Cataplexy attacks,

Which means,

I lose control,

Of my muscles,

Such as my legs,

Collapsing,

These only,

Happen,

Once,

Or twice,

A year,

Others may experience,

Them much more,

Often,

Sometimes,

I’ve experienced,

The inability,

To move or speak,

Which,

Is terrifying,

My condition,

Causes,

Some other,

Symptoms,

To,

Such as,

Memory problems,

Hallucinations,

Restless sleep,

Hallucinations,

Depression,

Though,

There is no,

Cure for this,

Turquoise,

Smog,

The GP,

Recommended,

Having good,

Sleeping habits,

Such as,

Having,

The same,

Bedtime,

Routine,

There is,

Medication,

That I’m,

Now on,

To help control it,

But,

They warned,

Me,

The smog,

May still last,

Long term,

But at least,

Now,

Bit by bit,

I can,

Clear,

The smog away

My condition,

Used,

To be,

Under,

A different,

Name,

But,

They changed,

It to something else,

Which,

Sounds,

A lot,

Like how,

I live,

I feel,

As though,

There are two,

Parts,

Of me,

Sometimes more,

Each fighting,

For centre stage,

Sometimes,

When one,

Personality,

Comes,

Through,

There’s a rose,

Haze,

And I transform,

Into someone new,

By,

The time,

I’m back,

To being me,

I forget,

A lot of things,

And I feel,

Like,

I’ve lost,

A part of myself,

The other,

Parts,

Of my personality,

Don’t seem

To be aware,

That they are,

Sharing a space,

Inside my head,

And each,

Of them hold,

Specific memories,

And knowledge,

That I can never,

Seem,

To obtain,

I feel,

Like a stranger,

To myself,

And sometimes,

To those around,

Me,

Because,

They might,

Have met,

Another part,

Of me,

That I don’t recall,

In the peach haze,

I sometimes,

Behave out of character,

And I become,

Unpredictable,

So they say,

My hand-writing,

Can change,

Depending,

On what,

Personality,

Is in control,

At that moment,

I sometimes,

Refer to myself,

As we,

And I get strange,

Looks from those,

Close to me,

I’ve been,

Told,

That I’ll make,

A full recovery,

I just need,

Help,

From,

Counselling,

To ease out,

Of the worst,

But,

That’s ok,

I don’t want,

To be stuck,

In this alien,

Rose haze much longer

My condition,

Is not,

Just a simple,

Fear,

Of open,

Spaces,

I’m scared,

To travel,

Alone,

And sometimes,

Even,

Leave,

My own,

Home,

I’m scared,

To visit,

A shopping,

Centre,

Unless,

I’m with,

A friend,

Or someone,

I trust,

Despite,

The,

Azure,

Sky above me,

I don’t feel,

Calm,

The anxiety,

Is sometimes,

Paralysing,

The panic,

Attacks,

Are swift,

Dizzying,

And nauseous,

I can sometimes,

Think,

That I will,

Feel embarrassed,

If have a panic attack,

I feel,

Like I won’t be,

Able to escape,

Which,

Makes the panic,

Rise,

Even higher,

I feel,

Like,

I’m losing,

My sanity,

Piece,

By little,

Piece,

I feel,

Like,

I won’t be able,

To survive,

Without,

Anyone around me,

I sometimes,

Won’t leave,

The house,

For periods,

Of time,

I try,

To avoid,

Situations,

That can lead,

To panic attacks,

But I also,

Try and force myself,

To get out there,

But,

The fear,

And anxiety,

Still flutters,

In my chest,

I’ve tried,

The self-help,

Techniques,

And the help,

A little,

And sometimes,

Not at all,

The doctors,

Have recommended,

Some,

Therapy,

I’ll take,

It with open arms,

I want to be able,

To look,

Up at,

The azure,

Sky,

And feel calm,

Instead,

Of like,

I’m drowning,

Over,

And,

Over again

I’m not,

In my golden,

Years,

Of old age,

The disease,

I have,

Is the most,

Common,

Type,

Of dementia,

Though,

There are three,

Stages,

Early,

Symptoms,

Middle-stage,

Symptoms,

And later,

Symptoms,

In this,

Golden,

World,

It feels,

Like,

I’m the sun,

Watching,

Memories,

Of another time,

I forget,

About conversations,

I’ve just,

Had,

I forget,

The names,

Of places,

And misplace,

Items in the house,

I ask questions,

Repetitively,

I have trouble,

Thinking,

About the right words,

To say,

I find it hard,

To make decisions,

And I’m hesitant,

To try new,

Things,

I can,

Also,

Become,

Agitated,

And anxious,

More frequently,

I also,

Become,

More confused,

At things,

This is,

All the early symptoms,

The doctors,

Say,

It will,

Eventually,

Get worse,

They told me,

I could,

Experience,

Hallucinations,

And delusions,

I may be violent,

Towards,

My family,

Or even carers,

If I have to,

Go into,

A home,

They say,

I might,

Become suspicious,

For example,

I may think,

My family,

Is stealing money,

From me,

When that’s not,

True,

They say,

I might not,

Be able,

To look after,

Myself,

With eating,

And drinking,

I might not be,

Able to walk,

Or talk the same,

I can pee,

Myself,

As well,

By accident,

And my,

Long and short,

Term memory,

Will start to fade,

Away,

I’m lucky,

I’m still,

In this early stage,

I’m afraid,

Of the worst,

But for now,

I will enjoy,

Basking,

In this golden,

Glow,

Remembering,

Happy times,

As well,

As taking,

The medicine,

The doctors,

Gave me,

Though they did,

Suggest,

That therapy,

May be an option,

For when,

The symptoms,

Get worse,

They also,

Suggested,

Making a memory,

Book,

Or a photo,

Album,

That I can,

Look back,

On,

When the days,

Are long,

And I’m stuck,

Inside,

Alone,

And for,

When this golden,

Sun,

Finally,

Losses it’s glow,

I’ll be able,

To look,

At those memories,

One last time

What,

I have,

May not,

Affect,

Me mentally,

But,

My condition,

Still effects,

My brain,

It,

Can,

Happen,

At any time,

Day or night,

If I’m stressed,

Or I’ve not had,

Enough sleep,

When,

I wake up,

Or if,

There is a flashing,

Light,

Sometimes,

There,

Is no warning,

Sometimes,

I can feel,

It,

Even,

Sense,

It,

Rising,

From,

My stomach,

All,

I know,

Is,

The orange-red,

Glow,

Greets,

Me,

Every time,

Almost,

Like,

A blanket,

Ready to be,

Crawled,

Into,

The worst seizure,

Is called,

Status epilepticus,

Where,

The seizure,

Can,

Last a long,

Time,

The person,

Doesn’t regain,

Consciousness,

Between,

The fits,

Each seizure,

Causes,

The body,

To jerk and shake,

Others,

Cause problems,

Like loss of,

Awareness,

Or unusual sensations,

The other seizures,

Have names too,

Like Aura’s,

Complex partial (focal) seizure,

Tonic-clonic seizure,

Absences,

Myoclonic seizures,

Clonic seizures,

Tonic seizures,

And,

Lastly,

Atonic seizures,

I wish,

I could remember,

What one,

The doctors,

Said I have,

But shock,

Along,

With the medication,

Dulled,

The memory,

They said,

The seizures,

May stop,

Over time,

I don’t think,

So,

I can feel,

The,

Orange-red,

Glow,

Pulsing,

Behind,

My eyes,

I’ll stick,

To the medication,

Until,

It gets too much,

To handle,

Then,

I’ll consider,

The other options

I’ve been,
Told,
That,
Each person,
Is affected,
Differently,
By,
The disease,
That eats,
Away,
At me,
Night and day,
My brain,
Is damaging,
Itself,
They say,
But,
All,
I see,
Is rust,
Coloured,
Hands,
And feet,
It started,
With a tremor,
In my hands,
When,
I was sitting,
Watching,
The,
TV,
I thought,
It was,
Just a sign,
Of old age,
Next,
It was,
My walking,
I was slow,
Like I was,
Trying,
To walk through,
Triffle,
The rust,
Now consuming,
It’s way,
To my legs,
And the,
Last,
Was,
I felt,
Stiff,
And tense,
In my muscles,
I found,
It difficult,
To make,
Expressions,
With my face,
They were,
All warning,
Signs,
And the,
GP,
Said,
It’s,
Parkinson’s Disease,
How could,
They be so sure,
I asked aloud,
So,
They asked,
Loads,
Of questions,
About,
My balance,
My pee,
My sense of smell,
If I had any nerve pain,
Or if I had,
Problems,
With my poo,
Was I eating,
And drinking well,
Did I feel dizzy?
Was I sleeping ok?
Was I sweating,
Too much?
Did I feel depressed?
How was my memory?
When I answered,
Their questions,
The diagnostics,
Was confirmed,
But,
It wasn’t the end,
They gave me pills,
And other remedies,
Though,
The rust,
Will continue,
To eat my,
Brian,
At least for now,
I have help.
So,
My body,
Doesn’t rust away too

Hypochondria,
Is what,
I’ve been,
Told,
I have,
Health anxiety,
Sounds,
So much better,
I sometimes,
Feel,
Like,
I’m walking,
In an,
Apricot,
Coloured,
Jelly,
Somedays,
It will hold,
My weight,
But,
Others,
I sink,
Down,
And down,
Never,
Reaching,
The bottom,
I am,
Constantly,
Worrying,
Over my own,
Health,
Checking,
For any signs,
Of lumps,
Bumps,
Or any signs,
Of being ill,
I don’t want,
To be ill,
But,
The anxiety itself,
Feeds,
Thoughts,
Making,
My head pound,
And my heart race,
I have asked,
People,
For reassurance,
And perhaps,
They can put,
My mind,
At ease,
About the doctors,
Tests,
Because I worry,
They might be wrong,
Or they have,
Overlooked something,
I don’t watch,
Any of the medical,
Programmes,
On TV,
But sometimes,
I’ll spend,
Hours,
Looking online,
To see if I can,
Find something,
That helps,
To ease,
The storm
Inside,
My head,
I avoid,
Physical,
Activities,
Incase,
They make me worse,
So,
Far,
The self-help,
Has made,
The apricot,
Jelly,
More stable,
I’ll write in,
My diary,
And keep,
Busy with other,
Tasks,
But,
I’ve noticed,
The worries,
Are preventing,
Me from leading,
A normal life,
The doctor,
Suggested,
Therapy,
I’m willing,
To try it,
So one,
Day,
My mind,
Doesn’t feel,
Like,
It’s a jelly swamp

My depression,
Comes,
And goes,
With,
The seasonal patterns,
I can,
Be happy,
In the,
Summer,
But,
Gloomy,
In the winter,
My world,
Turns,
Cold,
Cerulean,
Blue,
My mood,
Is persistently low,
I feel,
Anxious,
Stressed,
I become,
Less sociable,
With friends,
And family,
I find,
No pleasure,
In normal,
Activities,
I feel,
Irritated,
And the guilt,
And the despair,
Come easily,
And my self-esteem,
Plummets,
To a new found,
Low,
I am less,
Active,
I feel,
Lethargic,
And often,
Find it hard,
To get out,
Of bed,
In the morning,
Because I’ve,
Overslept,
I find,
It hard,
To concentrate,
And I grave,
Food,
That brings me,
Comfort,
But only,
Add,
On weight,
In this,
Seemingly,
Endless,
Cerulean,
World,
I look,
Forward,
To the days,
Of Spring,
And summer,
But dread,
The Autumn,
Time,
Though,
Winter,
Is the worst,
Of all,
The anti-depressants,
Have been,
Working,
A little,
But,
They don’t,
Do much,
To lift away,
The cerulean,
Cloud,
The doctors,
Suggested,
That the next,
Step,
Would be,
Therapy,
Or,
Counselling,
I’ve not decided,
Which route,
To take,
But,
I’m certain
I want,
To beat.
This,
Before,
It overcomes me,
Forever