Like,

A pendulum,

My mood,

Swings,

From,

One extreme,

To the other,

These,

Swings,

Can,

Last,

For months,

At a time,

I feel,

All the,

High,

Moments,

Are captured,

In amber,

But so are,

All the bad,

At the lowest point,

I feel sad,

Alone,

Hopeless,

Helpless,

I can lose,

Sleep and not eat,

I feel,

Like,

I’ve no energy,

No interest,

In daily life,

I feel empty,

Cold,

Guilt,

And despair,

I can’t concentrate,

And I get irritable,

I can be pessimistic,

I self doubt,

Sometimes,

I wake up early,

Delusional,

And suicidal,

But,

The high point,

The mania,

As they call,

It,

I’m happy,

I’m full of energy,

I can talk quite quickly,

I feel,

Like I have more value,

I have great ideas,

I’m motivated.

I can be a bit distracted,

I can still,

Be irritated easily,

I don’t feel,

Like sleeping,

Because I have,

All these important,

Ideas,

I don’t eat,

I can still,

Experience,

Delusions,

I can often,

Spend loads,

Of money,

Without realizing it,

I make,

Decisions,

That are out,

Of character,

I’m on medication,

To help,

Ease,

The effects,

But another,

Course,

Maybe,

Therapy,

To help me,

Recognize,

The triggers,

The pendulum,

Keeps,

On swinging,

The amber,

Keeps,

On,

Dripping,

Creating,

More memories,

And,

I believe,

It will,

Get easier,

In time

Being,

In my world,

I am more,

Than just,

Shy,

I have,

A dread,

That doesn’t,

Go away,

And it,

Affects,

My every day,

Activities,

My self-confidence,

Relationships,

And work,

I feel,

Like I’m,

Wrapped,

In a teal cocoon,

I worry,

About social,

Situations,

Before,

During,

And after,

They happen,

I dread,

Meeting strangers,

Starting conversations,

Speaking on the phone,

Working,

Shopping,

I tend,

To avoid,

And even worry,

About having,

Group chats,

Or eating with others,

Or parties,

I will worry,

About blushing,

In front of others,

I feel,

Like I’m being judged,

Or watched,

If I’m doing anything,

And within,

This teal cocoon,

I find things difficult,

I fear criticism,

I have had,

Panic attacks,

Before,

When the cocoon,

Tightened,

Around me,

Enclosing,

Me within,

It’s grasp,

There,

Is a way out,

I felt,

Close before,

To getting out,

Escaping,

But I,

Relapsed,

Back,

To the start again,

Now,

I’m going to try,

Therapy,

And the,

Guided self-help,

Maybe,

Even,

Join,

One of the support,

Groups,

So,

I can chat,

Online,

Without,

Having the,

Nausea,

That comes before,

A panic attack,

When,

I exit,

This cocoon,

And this,

Phobia,

Is put to,

An end,

I may yet,

Turn,

Into a,

Beautiful,

Butterfly

I am,

Confused

With,

Being,

A,

Psychopath,

But,

They lack,

Empathy,

They manipulate,

And,

They,

Disregard,

The consequences,

Of their actions,

They can be violent,

While I,

Wouldn’t,

Hurt a fly,

This,

Illness,

Is,

Short-term,

I feel,

Like,

I’m drowning,

In a plum,

Muddy,

Waters,

Between,

The,

Hallucinations,

And,

The,

Delusions,

It’s hard,

To,

Distinguish,

The,

Difference,

Between,

My world,

And,

That,

Of,

Schizophrenia,

But,

There,

Is one,

Difference,

I have,

A lack,

Of insight,

Meaning,

That I am,

Unaware,

That,

The delusions,

And the hallucinations,

Are real,

I feel,

Scared,

Alone,

Distressed,

My,

Thoughts,

Become,

Confused,

And,

Disturbed,

And,

Then,

I’m back,

To drowning,

In plum,

My treatment,

Options,

Are the,

Same,

As,

Schizophrenia,

Yet,

I,

Feel,

So vastly,

Different,

From them,

Like,

I’m an alien,

An imposter,

In the world,

Around me,

Maybe,

It’s because,

They,

Don’t treat me,

Separately,

From the rest,

I’m just the same,

But,

I don’t want,

To be like,

Them,

I’m drowning,

Again,

I can,

Hear,

The voices,

Coming back,

Someone,

Save me

I am seen,

As,

Having,

A split,

Personality,

Or,

I am,

Violent,

In behavior,

They,

Are wrong,

They don’t,

Understand,

What it’s like,

To live,

With,

A,

Blue-violet,

Shimmer,

Inside,

Their head,

At first,

It started,

That I was,

Becoming,

Socially,

Withdrawn,

Unresponsive,

To those,

Around me,

Changes,

In sleeping,

But,

The shimmer,

Caused,

The hallucinations,

I could,

See,

Hear,

Smell,

And taste,

Things,

That were not there,

The blue-violet,

Shimmer,

Made me,

Believe,

They were real,

And I was powerless,

To argue,

The voices,

Too real,

Too loud,

To ignore,

And they,

Say that’s,

A positive,

Symptom,

Of my condition,

It doesn’t feel,

Positive,

To me,

I can experience,

Delusions,

Confusing thoughts,

The negative,

Symptoms,

Make me lose,

Interest,

In life.

I can’t concentrate,

I don’t,

Want,

To communicate,

It’s all,

So easy,

For them,

To label,

But there,

Not the ones,

Being led,

To their demise,

By,

The appealing,

Shimmer,

Of,

A blue-violet,

Light,

I want to be free,

To shake,

It away,

I have various,

Options,

One,

Being antipsychotics,

Another,

Is therapy,

Or even,

Working with,

A mental,

Health team,

I’ll,

Chase,

This shimmer,

Away,

Once,

And for all

My name,

Is,

Narcissistic personality disorder,

I am,

Unknown,

I go,

Unrecognized,

I am born,

Out,

Of multiple,

Things,

But,

I know,

I cast,

A peach,

Mist upon,

The mind,

Of my host,

They,

Feel,

As though,

They are,

Grandious,

And expect,

Superior treatment,

From others,

They fixate,

On power,

And success,

They perceive,

That they are,

Unique,

And associate,

Themselves,

With,

People,

Of high-status,

They need,

Constant,

Admiration,

They sense,

That,

They need special,

Treatment,

And even,

Obedience,

From others,

They exploit,

Others,

To achieve,

Their own,

Personal goals,

They are,

Unwilling,

To empathize,

With feelings,

Wished,

And other,

People’s needs,

They are envious,

Of others,

And believe,

That others,

Are envious,

Of them,

They,

Are arrogant,

Pompous,

In demeanor,

I am,

The peach mist,

In their mind,

I can feel,

Struggle,

Against,

Me,

All the time,

I can sense,

That,

They are seeking,

Treatment,

So,

That I’m not,

So powerful,

The treatment,

Is psychotherapy,

I wonder,

If it will,

Really,

Help,

Under,

My mist,

My host,

Is powerless,

And they dance,

Clueless,

In the peach,

Swirling,

Mists,

Of my grasp

I am seen,

As a neat freak,

For having,

Everything,

Organised,

In,

A specific way,

I am seen,

As controlling,

For wanting,

Things to be,

In order,

The reality,

Is,

I have a,

Monster,

Perched,

Upon,

My shoulder,

Watching me,

It’s body,

Scabbed,

Dirty,

And ochre,

In colour,

This monster,

Whispers,

Into my ear,

Sweet,

Words,

That make,

Me think,

About obsessive,

Thoughts,

Like,

I am catch,

A germ,

From handling,

A baby,

Or I need,

To have all the jars,

In the cupboard,

Facing,

The same way,

So,

I wash my hands,

Anxiously,

Ferverishly,

Until I think,

It’s enough,

But I go back,

Just in case,

I missed,

A bit,

Compulsively,

I feel relief,

Momentarily,

I return,

Again,

And,

Again,

It’s the same,

With the labels,

I’ll count them,

Turn them,

Making sure,

They look neat,

I’ll walk away,

But I’ll,

Return,

Again,

And,

Again,

Until,

The ochre monster,

Is satisfied,

I try,

To think,

About something else,

But the monster,

Has already whispered,

Those sweet,

Words,

Making me go,

Back anxiously,

To check once more,

It’s too hard,

To fight on,

My own,

I’ve spoken,

To the doctor,

And,

They have referred,

Me to therapy,

The monster,

Isn’t pleased,

But,

I’d rather be free,

Than,

Have its,

Dirty,

Body,

Perched on my shoulder,

For the rest of my life

The stars,

Light,

The night sky,

Beautiful,

Bright,

I’m tired,

From,

Todays,

Adventure,

I’m ready,

For sleep,

I’m climb,

Into my bed,

Pull,

The covers,

And close,

My eyes,

Yet,

All,

I see,

Is this,

Navy light,

I toss,

And turn,

Finding,

It hard,

To get to sleep,

When,

I do catch,

Some sleep,

I awake,

Alert,

In the night,

Trying,

To search,

For the source,

Of the navy light,

When,

I can’t find it,

I lay in bed,

Awake,

Unable to find,

Comfort,

I wake,

Up in the morning,

Drowsy,

Tired,

Irritable,

The navy light,

Still plaguing,

My vision,

And my mind,

I try to nap,

On the sofa,

For a moment,

Or so,

But again,

I can’t obtain,

The precious,

Sleep,

That I so,

Desperately need,

I try,

To perform,

Simple,

Tasks,

Like washing dishes,

And,

I’m finding,

Hard to focus,

The sleepiness,

Nipping,

At my heels,

I’ve tried,

Everything,

That the doctor,

Has suggested,

Nothing,

Seems to get,

Rid of,

This navy light,

It’s become,

Apart of me,

The next step,

Is therapy,

To get inside,

My mind,

To figure,

Out what,

Thoughts,

Or memories,

Are making,

It so hard,

For me to sleep,

Perhaps,

It’s the things,

From the past,

That make me,

Lie awake,

Each night,

I’m no expert,

I hope,

The therapy,

Will work,

Because,

I no longer,

Want to be,

Drawn,

To this light,

Like a moth,

Driven to,

A flame

I awoke,

The olive,

Mask,

Already,

There,

I’m unaware,

At first,

Until,

I glimpse,

At myself,

In the mirror,

The image,

Is distorted,

My stomach,

Looks fat,

My thighs,

Look bigger,

My hips,

Look,

Like the belong,

To another person,

I turn away,

Ashamed,

Of my image,

Disgusted,

With,

The body,

I live in,

I cry,

A thousand tears,

And I fall,

Down,

To the floor,

I glimpse,

Again,

Into the mirror,

Hoping,

The image,

Has changed,

But it’s only,

Gotten worse,

I pick myself,

Up from,

The floor,

I get ready,

For today,

I groom my hair,

Lovingly,

Make it perfect,

I wipe the tears,

And apply,

Make-up,

To conceal,

The puffy,

Redness,

I’m ready,

To head out,

I can’t help,

That all these,

People,

Are looking at me,

But I’m the one,

Looking at them,

Wishing I was different,

Wishing I could change,

When,

It gets too much,

I isolate,

Myself,

And prick,

At my skin,

So,

It’s smooth,

This olive mask,

Makes me,

Aware,

Sensitive even,

To every part,

Of my body,

This mask,

Makes me believe,

That no matter,

How many people,

Tell me,

I’m beautiful,

And no matter,

How hard,

I try to believe,

It,

It’s all wrong,

There is therapy,

For me,

I may have to wait,

Until,

All the assessments,

Are done,

I desperately,

Want to shed,

This mask,

But for now,

It feels,

Like it’s part,

Of my body,

And my mind

It has,
Not one,
Face,
But,
Many,
It switches,
On the fly,
And you’re,
Left,
Confused,
Alone,
Yet,
There are,
Good days,
Living,
In this,
Charcoal,
World,
You see things,
Feel things,
Like other’s don’t,
But,
The happiness,
Doesn’t last,
Forever,
The next moment,
I’m thinking,
Believing,
That I have,
No friends,
And,
I’m a terrible,
Person,
I sometimes,
Say things,
I don’t mean,
And can hurt,
The ones,
Close to me,
I am misunderstood,
Because,
I’m seen,
As impulsive,
For doing,
Things,
I shouldn’t,
Like drink,
Or self-harm,
I find it hard,
To trust,
To let anyone,
In,
Because,
I’m afraid,
They’ll,
Leave me,
Behind,
To live,
In the,
Madness,
Of charcoal,
I don’t know,
Who I am,
Most of the time,
I fear,
Everyday,
And what,
Is going to happen,
I have trouble,
Sleeping,
Insomnia,
Wakes me,
With terrible,
Thoughts,
That I need,
Someone,
To listen,
And not judge me,
I need,
Someone,
To reassure me,
That this mental,
Torture,
Will end,
That I’m not,
Alone,
Sometimes,
I push,
People away,
Because,
They want me,
To do things,
Their way,
I withdraw,
Into my,
Charcoal,
World,
Seeking the darkness,
It never helps,
Is there,
A way,
To keep,
The switch,
In a stable place?
I believe,
It will,
Get better,
With,
Help,
And friends,
People,
Who understand,
The tornado,
That goes on,
In my mind